i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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