A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
