Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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