Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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