ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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