I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
