If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
