Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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