I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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