Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
