I wish I could teleport
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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