she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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