She went from zero to smokin in five shots
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
