Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
