Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
