she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
