Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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