dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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