He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
so much tequila, so little girl.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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