Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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