If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
