i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
