Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
