I think my vagina is haunted
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
