Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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