Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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