If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
