The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
