I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
