...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
