i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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