My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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