i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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