I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
