if you like me you must not know who I am
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
