I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
