those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
