dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
