marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
