If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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