Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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