Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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