every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
