he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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