I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hello my rib-scented angel!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
