Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
NoShamevember. You game?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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