At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize