I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
