the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
