I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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