this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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