please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
