youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
