and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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