I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
please don't ironically join a cult
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