I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
