jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
