Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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