just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
