i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
