What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
