I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
