i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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