I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
