someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
