holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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