Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
