I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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