The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
