this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
